As we watch our friends' parents, our family members, and generations grow older, including ourselves, we often begin to notice the changes — not just in their health or habits, but sometimes in their homes.
You may recall your parents neatly kept home, or that favorite family member whose home you gladly visited, which was so beautiful with everything seeming to stay in place just right.
What once was a tidy space now feels overwhelmed with belongings. Where did all this come from, you may ask yourself, and when did things pile up?
Closets are overflowing, boxes fill entire rooms, and countertops are buried under papers, containers, and keepsakes. What’s going on?
Before labeling it “hoarding,” it’s essential to take a step back and understand what’s happening — and how we can help with compassion, not criticism.
Is the person not still practicing the way they lived because they just do not have the strength to complete tasks and lay an item down to pick it up later, which then becomes never?
What Is Hoarding vs. Just Clutter?
Not every full room means someone is hoarding.
They may genuinely have a plan to clean that mess up.
Clutter is often situational and temporary — the result of too much stuff and too little time or energy to organize it.
Maybe even helping out neighbors takes time away from what one wants to accomplish in their lives, and so postponement enters the picture.
Hoarding, on the other hand, is a mental health disorder where someone has persistent difficulty discarding or parting with possessions, regardless of their actual value.
They never want to throw anything in the trash and will always give a reason if asked why those items or trash need to be kept.
Signs of hoarding behavior in older adults may include:
- A strong emotional attachment to everyday items (junk mail, old receipts, used containers). Some people have neat piles of what they plan to get to next week, such as mail or clothes they can no longer wear.
- Fear or anxiety when asked to throw something away is another sign of hoarding when that person cautions you, "No, leave that there until I get to it."
- Blocked walkways or unusable rooms are not only a fire hazard but also a fall hazard for our elderly. So when someone refuses to throw out unnecessary items, it becomes an even bigger risk.
- Difficulty making decisions about what to keep or discard. The person may physically get agitated when you insist on getting rid of what you see as "junk".
- Whether or not your loved one has a hoarding disorder, clutter that gets out of hand can be a serious safety risk as they age — leading to trips, falls, fire hazards, and even social isolation.
Why Does Hoarding Happen More in Older Adults?
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There are several reasons why hoarding tendencies become more noticeable — or even begin — in our later years:
Loss and grief: Many older adults experience multiple losses (spouse, friends, siblings, children, home, career), and holding onto belongings may be a way to preserve memories or feel a sense of control.
There is always a story that a person will tell you about something a loved one, a friend, or a family member did or why they have the item. And they hold these memories dearly.
I once worked with a lady who, to this day, I was told still puts the very same quilt on her bed. She is about 98 years young now and will tell every new caregiver the story of this quilt made for her and how long she has had it.
She even instructs you on how it will be placed on the bed. You mess that up, and she will cry.
Cognitive decline: Memory issues can lead to forgetting what they own or struggling with organizing tasks.
Unfortunately, this is common these days. Very organized people will lose the ability to remember even where the item goes.
They may place it in the wrong place and forget to retrieve it, or they may not recognize it at all.
Depression or anxiety: Both can cause decision-making paralysis and the fear of letting things go.
These two go together, and it is heartbreaking to see previously well-organized persons living in total dismay with items scattered all around them as if those things are decorations.
Fear of waste: Especially in those who lived through tough economic times, there’s a deep-seated belief in “saving everything just in case.”
This is something, whether true ot not, we hear that generations who experience times such as the Great Depression or poverty at some point in their lives will save anything and everything for fear of doing without again.
Loneliness: Possessions can become a comfort or a stand-in for connection. Indeed, I worked with someone recently who has not thrown out her deceased husband's clothes, although he has been gone for 12 years.
She lives totally in the past, even refusing to use the master bedroom, preferring to squeeze into a smaller room. It's better to just let her live the best way she finds to cope with her loss.
Understanding these emotional and psychological roots is key to offering real help — not judgment.
Why Downsizing Is So Hard — and How to Start Gently
The idea of “getting rid of stuff” can feel like a threat to someone who sees every item as meaningful.
That’s why downsizing — even when necessary — must be approached with care.
Someone told them they must move in two weeks, or in the gut-wrenching situations I have seen where someone is whisked off to an assisted living facility without being prepared, can prevent that person from realistically making good decisions about what they want to keep vs throw out or give away.
Elderly people who must sell their homes to move in with family or into a nursing home before they are ready will experience difficulty in deciding what will go and what will stay.
Start with empathy, not orders.
Nothing beats kindness, so to show that you care instead of reprimanding will go a long way to constructive work.
Instead of saying, “You need to clean this place up,” try: “Tell me about this room — what’s your favorite thing in here?”
Is there anything that you specifically want to take with you? Example: Are you planning to give any of these dishes away, or will you keep most of them?
“How would you feel if we picked a few items to donate to someone in need?” Please show me the ones you would prefer not to keep.
Begin small — small to large.
One drawer, one box, one surface. Focus on progress, not perfection. Or possibly do a time plan.
Let's just work on this for fifteen minutes evey two hours today. You may just want to start with a list.
The next day, you physically remove those items according to the list you both worked on together.
Offer choices.
Ask:
“Would you rather start with the pantry or the linen closet?” Helping the person decide where they would like to begin is a great idea.
It will get them thinking and getting right into decision mode because now they are in charge.
This keeps your loved one in control, which helps ease resistance.
Look for neutral items first.
Skip sentimental objects at the start.
This will prevent the person from getting upset and thinking you do not respect their choices.
Go for expired foods, old newspapers without exceptional histric headlines, broken electronics — items that are easier to part with, and you will be sure to enjoy cooperation.
-Until next time
Ruth@CareGiverDaze